The world’s most renowned wizard, Harry Potter, has revealed that the best thing about being a wizard is magic mushrooms.
Following a mostly muggle upbringing, Potter only became accustomed to “magis” in his later years and now eats them regularly as part of a healthy and balanced diet.
“I tell you what, being a wizard isn’t all about fighting Voldemort, riding around on broomsticks and going on little gay adventures with your ginger mate, there’s a hell of a lot more to it than that,” explained Potter, now twenty-eight years old. “People just assume wizards are a bit nerdy but that’s not the case at all, there’s a whole underground scene in the wizard world and those cunts are proper cainers.”
“After battling to save the world the whole way through school I got a bit bored of the whole ‘Good Vs Evil’ thing and decided to fuck off to Asia for a few years to find myself, which basically just involved shagging anything with a pulse and taking lots of magic mushrooms,” continued Potter, who know has an extra scar on his forehead following a moped crash in Thailand. “After a couple of months doing that you really wonder what all the fuss is about and why we can’t all just get along.”
“I know you non-magic folk think you’ve done magic mushroom but I’m telling you, you haven’t really tried magic mushrooms until you’ve tried magic, magic mushrooms, these things are so strong that only witches and wizards can take them, they’d actually turn your brains to mush,” claimed the wizard. “I’ve literally had pure evil in my head my whole live thanks to this poxy scar and it doesn’t even have a patch on these bad boys.”
“The first time I took them, I spent nine hours thinking I was Hermione’s underpants,” he revealed. “It wasn’t a bad experience but snapping out of nine hours of thinking you’re a g-string is a real head fuck. Thankfully, now I’m a bit more used to doing them and I get to enjoy taking them regularly, they’re definitely the best thing about being a wizard, the magic is overrated, it’s all about the magic mushrooms for me.”
In related news, Draco Malfoy has been arrested by the wizard vice squad and locked up in Azkaban in connection to a massive underground prostitution racket in Hogsmeade.