A hipster revealed this week that he has acquired an ‘extensive vinyl collection’ after purchasing his first ever two records from BM Records in Soho, London.
The hipster, who revealed his name to be Charles Edward Eldritch Cassington-Bercow, had travelled into London city centre with his friends when he decided to enter the record shop/lactose free eatery and make a purchase. After buying two records Charles claimed to have had an experience somewhat analogous to an epiphany when he realised that he had become a vinyl collector.
“It was a spur of the moment thing,” Charles told us. “Me and my crew all listen to EDM, but the majority of stuff we have are just YouTube rips, none of which are 3.20 minutes long, which as we all know is the standard length of a song for you to be able to play it in a club. But we’ve never really thought getting a vinyl collection before.”
Charles then picked out two records, which he confirmed were both released on atrociously poor dubstep label Circus Records, and preceded towards the counter to buy them. However, it was only when he got home that he realised that he had in fact become a vinyl collector.
“Normally, I don’t have enough money to spend on this sort of thing,” he continued, “what with the price of slouch jeans, snapback caps, and American basketball jerseys these days.”
“But some extra pocket money had come through from my dad’s hedge fund investment and I thought I would treat myself,” he elaborated. “As soon as I got home, I felt this aura welling up inside of me, as if I had left the domain of uneducated mortals and ascended to a higher plain. I realised that I was no longer one of these digital boys. I realised that I’m now a vinyl collector, a shining beacon who will inspire others to learn the real skill of painstakingly boring people with reasons of why vinyl is better than digital.”
Charles subsequently informed us that he intends to spend the coming weeks inviting his friends over to admire his ‘collection’. “I’m also going to record a mix”, he added. “It’s going to feature these four tunes mixed into each other over and over again for an hour. Obviously, I don’t have turntables, but I’m going to download them both, mix them on virtual DJ, and then post it alongside a picture of my vinyl. This way, everyone will think it’s an all vinyl mix. And that will get me respect and an invite to preen myself in the DJ booth at the next Hospitality.”
However, when asked if he was planning on buying any more records, Charles responded uncertainly. “I’m not sure,” he told us. “I mean, my collection is already pretty vast and I’m not sure I can afford to buy any more. Plus, space becomes an issue. When you’ve got such a massive collection like me, finding places to store it all can be difficult. But we’ll see.”