Hold On! I’m Made Out Of Bread & Wine! – Jesus: Lent Day 2: The Desert


“Hold on a fucking minute!” said a very hungry Jesus, sprawled out in the sand wearing nothing but a pair of Wayfarers and flip-flops, balls blowing in the evening breeze.

“I’m made out of bread and wine!”

“The body and blood of our Lord Jesus Christ! Thaaaats me!” said Jesus, whilst carrying out the world’s first facepalm.

Jesus Christ, well known for other biblical stories like the time he turned water into filtered water, the time he took a basket of loaves and fishes and set up an artisan sandwich cart on the back of a donkey and the time he made a cross out of nothing but disused pallets, had wandered into the desert looking for a local starbucks, but having not been successful had decided to go without any food or drink for 40 days or 40 nights in protest.

“It’s like that film, you know the one where he doesn’t stroke the holy ghost for 40 days and 40 nights?”

“Except that lad was in American suburbia surrounded by damp yolks, with a full camera crew for company.”

“I’m stuck here in the desert in a set of knock-off Rayban’s with my dick out. Sure, the holy ghost is getting shot right, left and centre, but I was fucking starving until I remembered I can literally chew my hand off and drink what comes out.”

“It’ll be grand. I’m sure it’ll grow back. I’m Jesus for fuck sake!”

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Hold On! I’m Made Out Of Bread & Wine! – Jesus: Lent Day 2: The Desert

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