“I hate a lot of things in life. Kids, edible meat, myself, my father, his father, murderous bastards who eat butter on their toast, even more kids” ranted Annette Vegan-Cuntis to a local friend last Friday.
“But I’ll give top marks to the clever cunt that came up with the Cadburys Creme Egg!”
“Firstly, I love them. Not that I’ve tasted them, of course.” assured strict vegan Annette.
“Secondly, they’re not actually eggs. Sure, they are egg-shaped, and yes, they do contain animal products, such as dairy, gelatine and I’m told a rare form of mongoose sperm, but they’re not technically eggs, so I’ll still get into vegan heaven.”
“Again, not that I’ve actually tasted them.”
“Thirdly, I literally want to take every box of Cadburys creme eggs in existence and ram them into every single nook, cranny and orifice of my body until I literally can’t walk. I want to be a crippled pile of chocolate, with my creamy eggy goodness slowly oozing down the street while all the other more restrained vegans look on in horror.”
“But I can’t because creme eggs are evil, thousands of Mongoose die each year and we vegans won’t stand for it.”
“So I’m going to have some of my eggs frozen this year. Maybe a pallet. Or two.”
“Just in case they figure out how to extract all the dead animals from the chocolate and bring them back to life in the future, you know?”