Local government in Ibiza have this morning released a detailed dossier outlining their plans to completely ruin the island by the year 2020.
The dossier, aptly nicknamed “the final solution”, was designed to bring an end to the unruly tourists who flock to the island’s shores every summer, spending millions of euros and helping to keep the island’s economy afloat.
San Antonio counselor Juan Torres spoke to Wunderground earlier, “The plan to take Ibiza back from the tourists is not a new one,” he told us. “We actually started it about fifteen years ago but it is only now that the effects of our actions are really starting to work and reshape the future of the island.”
“Whether it’s bars closing early, a lack of people in the streets or half empty nightclubs, it is all down to the work of a very dedicated and destructive political movement known as ‘A la Mierda la Isla’ or, as you say in English ‘Fuck the Island’,” continued Torres. “We will not stop until every restaurant, cafe, bar and nightclub, who cater for tourists, on the island is closed, taking those pesky tourists and their money with them.”
However, not all of the island’s inhabitants are in agreement with the local government’s policies, with one Spanish business owner, Raul Ribas, speaking out against the latest dossier.
“Why do the government insist on ruining this for everyone?” he asked emotionally. “Ten years ago, everything was going well here, the tourists loved the island, the locals loved the tourists’ money and everyone just got on. But then, all of these changes started, no music outside, no twenty four hour clubs, no terraces. Every year, something new and every year fewer tourists. When will it stop?”
“All we want to do is live like kings for six months of the year, if that means putting up with drunk Brits, washing puke off the streets every morning and tolerating on street urination, then so be it, it’s a small price to pay for a comfortable life if you ask me.”
Reports suggest that the plan to completely ruin the island took one step further this week after it was confirmed that David Guetta will hold three different residencies in 2019, with many island regulars confirming that “Ibiza is completely dead to them now”.