A hip London nightclub has announced that it is set to replace one of its regular bars with an “ultra-modern vegan-friendly doughnut bar”.
In what some clubbers are describing as the biggest waste of time and money since Scotland’s Independence Referendum, news of the doughnut bar, likely to be named “The Dirty Ring”, has been met with skepticism by many of the club’s regulars.
“First and foremost, I just want to know if the bar is still going to serve drink,” asked one confused twenty-three-year-old. “Because, if it isn’t, it’s a total waste of everyone’s time. I mean, yeah, I might like a doughnut on my way home from the club but not while I’m in there, and to be perfectly honest, if I’ve got the choice between a sloppy kebab, or a slice of pizza, and a doughnut, I’m choosing the kebab or pizza every single time.”
“What the fuck is a vegan-friendly doughnut anyway?” asked another clubber, “And, why the fuck would we want them in a nightclub? I could understand if it was vegan-friendly vodka, but then all vodka is vegan-friendly anyway because it’s liquid and the only liquid that isn’t vegan-friendly is animal piss and only crazy bastards in weird countries drink that.”
According to nightclub manager, Sue Jones, the decision to swap the regular bar for a vegan-friendly doughnut bar was made for a number of reasons.
“First of all, as a licensed premises, we have a duty of care towards our patrons, their safety is always our main priority and by including the doughnut bar we’re letting them know that they don’t necessarily have to drink to come here and enjoy themselves,” she unconvincingly explained. “There’s also the whole animal cruelty thing, which we’re totally against.”
“Plus, have you seen how much people will actually pay for this shit when they hear it’s vegan-friendly?” she asked excitedly. “We’re selling these doughnuts for eight times their high street value and people are absolutely lapping them up. We’re already outselling all of the other bars in the club combined.”
Unconfirmed rumours suggest that the doughnut bar could be forced to close after a number of clubbers were found to be “off their heads on jam” amid reports of “extra strong doughnuts” being sold on the premises.