In a major shakeup, popular photo-sharing platform Instagram has announced plans to ban all “uglies” from using the app.
The ban, which will also include “mingers and munters” but surprisingly not “rotters”, will come into effect at some point in the year 2020.
Michaella Da Santos, a spokesperson for Instagram, explained their decision earlier, “Instagram is at a point now where we have become so popular we can start to discriminate against people without feeling any negative impact to the business,” she explained. “That’s why we’ve decided to limit the functions available on the app for all uglies.”
“We’re not actually going to ban the uglies all together,” continued Da Santos, Miss California 2013. “We’re just going to remove all of their pictures from the platform and stop them from uploading any new images in the future. At the end of the day, no one’s coming onto Instagram to look at ugly people, the only people who care about ugly people’s photos are their families and there are plenty of ways for them to share photos with each other without bringing us into it.”
“We will still let them use the app to look at other people’s images,” revealed the Instagram employee. “We’re hoping that looking at images of beautiful people will inspire them to go out and beautify themselves, we’ll also be targeting them with advertisements for affordable cosmetic surgery, gym membership and makeup brands.”
“We’re hoping that the actions we take today, will make the world a more beautiful place tomorrow.”
According to Boris Jonson, a prominent ugly, Instagram’s decision is ludicrous and should be reversed as quickly as possible.
“There are far better groups to marginalise than ugly people,” an outraged Johnson claimed. “Haven’t they ever heard of foreigners or the gays, honestly, if they start discriminating against normal people, especially when they’re rich, like me, they’ll be asking for trouble. Luckily, I only use Bebo anyway but I’m no less outraged.”
In related news, Dutch DJ and producer Tiësto has announced that he will be quitting Instagram later this year, most likely in an attempt to avoid the ugly cull.