After Hours

“I’ve Been Hammering The Pills For Years Now” Admits Timmy Mallett

Nobody’s favourite 90’s TV presenter, Timmy Mallet, has made the brave admission that he has been “hammering the pills” for the last two decades.

Mallet, best known for dressing like a complete cretin and hitting people on the head with a rubber mallet, made the admission during a recent interview with fellow former 90’s TV muppet Philip Schofield on ITV’s morning melodrama, This Morning.

“It’s been a tough time for me lately,” revealed the teary eyed Mallet. “Well the weekends have been ok but the weekdays, especially Mondays and Tuesdays, have been very hard. It’s because of the pills, I’ve been hammering them for years now.”

“And I’m not just saying ‘hammering’ metaphorically,” continued Mallet, who claims his glasses contain 90% of his talent. “I find it very hard to swallow pills so I’ve been smacking them with a hammer and sniffing them, it’s the only way I can get them into me.”

“It all started around 1993 when I noticed that all the kids going to the raves were wearing garishly loud and obnoxious clothes, just like mine,” explained Mallet, who once put a raver in a coma while playing Mallet’s mallet with a real hammer on a night out, “so I decided to tag along one night and see what all the fuss was about.”

“It was brilliant, I was walking around the place like a king and everyone was coming up to me offering me pills,” he sentimentally recounted, “but that was twenty two years ago and it feels like everyone else has moved on while I’m still going around dressed like a moron and getting off my tits. It’s times like these when you really wish you had friends and family who loved you enough to give you an intervention.”

According to Phillip Schofield, Mallet’s attitude soon changed once the cameras were turned off, when he was removed from the studio by security after promptly producing a “massive bag a pills” from a multi colored pocket and started “playing the bongos on Holly Willoughby’s tits” with his rubber mallet.

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