Slightly Strange

Jesus Only Coming Back If Daft Punk Are Touring

jesus on the session

Jesus has confirmed that he will only return to Earth if Daft Punk agree to another tour, it has emerged.

Jesus, a known Daft Punk fan, claims that he’s not really arsed with humans or the earth anymore but would be interested in a visit if the French duo agreed to play.

“I’ve a pain in my bollox with the whole thing, to be honest with you,” claimed Jesus earlier. “I didn’t make the ultimate paradise for you bunch of ungrateful cunts to ruin it on me, I was hoping to retire down there someday but you’ve fucked that up for me. At this rate, I’ll have to create another entire universe for myself when I eventually hang the robes up.”

“I should have stayed down there and let you lot live up here, there’s fuck all up here to ruin apart from clouds, although, if your track record is anything to go by, you probably would have screwed that up too,” continued the angry deity. “It’s like all over again, the next planet I give life to is going to have nothing but dolphins on it.”

“Honestly, the only thing that would make me even consider going back down there would be another Daft Punk tour,” confirmed Christ. “And I’m not talking about watching them play any of that Get Lucky shite, I should have intervened there but I didn’t think they’d let me down. I want to see proper Alive ‘97 and ‘07 stuff. If they were to try any of that new shit I’d probably end up going all out apocalypse.”

Wunderground sources can confirm that Daft Punk are in meetings with Jesus about the possibility of selling some Daft Punk branded merchandise at heaven’s gift shop.

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