Justin Bieber Charged With Assault Following Incident With Deadmau5

In a move that’s set to rock the EDM world to its very foundations, Deadmau5, has agreed to produce Justin Bieber’s next album after the out of control singer apparently assaulted the EDM producer.

The announcement comes on the heels of a well publicised spat between the producer and singer, with Deadmau5, real name Joel Zimmerman, launching a torrent of abuse against Bieber on Twitter last year, telling the young singer to “put a shirt on and grow the fuck up” after Bieber demanded that a DJ play hip hop music during a set in a South Korean nightclub.

“I’m sorry, but if you got up in my face while I was performing and demanded me to play some bullshit, I’d probably punch you in the neck,” tweeted Deadmau5, his choice words incurring the wrath of Bieber fans the world over who, being widely known for their endearing self harm, sharpened their engorged labium into pointed meat shanks and sent thousands of Instagram photos to Deadmau5’s twitter feed threatening to cut off his ears if he didn’t “shut his face”.

The disturbed producer, now in fear for his life, arranged to meet with Bieber at his Malibu home earlier this week in the hopes that he could set things straight, little realising that he was walking into an ambush.

Deadmau5’s publicist, Erica Williams, who was present for the meeting, had this to say about the incident: “As soon the front door opened, Joel was bullrushed by Justin’s security team. He tried to fight back but they pinned him to the floor with embarrassing ease and made repeated insinuations towards a possible rape situation if he didn’t stop struggling. Joel was terrified. He had no choice but to fall silent and go limp.”

“It was then that Bieber appeared. He was shirtless and I couldn’t help but notice that his belly button was visibly unclean and exceptionally smelly. He made his bodyguards hold Joel up so that he could administer a flurry of bitch slaps to his face. He kept cackling ‘Why don’t you punch me in the neck now, mother fucker?’ while his posse of brutes laughed and high fived. It was awful. In desperation, Joel loudly urinated himself in an attempt to repel Justin’s assault, but if anything that only incensed Bieber more.”

Speaking from the safety of his Toronto home yesterday, DeadMau5 was quick to point out that Bieber’s “limp wristed slaps were unpleasant, but not painful. The kid couldn’t punch his way out of a paper bag. However his belly button smelled so bad I actually tore muscles in my throat from retching.”

“I knew I was in a tight spot,” Deadmu5 continued, “I tried to reason with him but he just wouldn’t hear me out. He said the only way he’d let me live was on the condition I produce his new album for free. I point blank refused, at first…That was when they headlocked me into a kneeling position…”

According to Zimmerman, Bieber then produced his “stick thin penis and began to jerk it between thumb and forefinger,” assuring him that once the appendage had reached its four and a half inch maximum it would be going “right up inside [his] eyelid.”

Realising that Bieber’s penis would be at full mast in a matter of moments the weeping producer had no choice but to acquiesce to his demands and sign on to produce the LP.

Adding insult to injury, Bieber and his entourage then took turns urinating into a Mr. Zimmerman’s Mousehead helmet, which they made him put back on while Ms. Williams watched and wept, only setting them both free on the condition that Zimmerman wear the helmet home and not take it off for seven days.

Wunderground can confirm that Zimmerman was still wearing “the stagnant piss shame-helmet” when we caught up with him yesterday.

“Will I ever talk smack about Bieber on Twitter again? No,” the pensive hitmaker candidly admits. “Am I looking forward to making the album? Not particularly. But guys, I walked away from the meeting alive, okay? That’s the main thing. And my eyes didn’t get any nineteen year old cock up inside them. If anything, this was a victory for me, guys. I really think I’m the one who came out on top here.”

The album, entitled The Sonic Adventures of Deadmau5 and Little Pussy, is set for release early next year.

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Justin Bieber Charged With Assault Following Incident With Deadmau5

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