Kids Who Listen To Marshmello 10 Times More Likely To Grow Up American

A report has found that children who listen to Marshmello between the ages of two and twelve are ten times more likely to grow up American.

According to the report, the children who listen to Marshmello are also 100% certain to have bad taste in music by the time they reach their teens.

“These results were pretty predictable but it’s still quite shocking to see them,” confirmed some bloke we met in a bar. “I mean, everyone knows that Americans normally have pretty shit taste when it comes to dance music but to think that it pretty much defines them, as a people, is still quite shocking.”

“There’s no way I’ll ever be letting my kids listen to this Marshmello lad, the last thing I’d want is to turn around one day and all of a sudden my children would be American,” continued the man. “I’ve never actually heard of him, which is probably why I’m still British, but you can just tell by his name that he’s totally shit.”

Nine-year-old Bradley Karwosky, who is almost certain to become an American adult in the next nine years, claims that Marshmello is “awesome” and believes he will be listening to the EDM star for the rest of his life.

“I mostly like Marshmello because of the way his head lights up,” Karwosky, who believes his teacher is a “doo-doo head”, told us earlier. “And, I like the way his music sounds, it reminds me of cotton candy and makes me feel safe, just like my Adderall.”

“Sometimes, when I listen to Marshmello, I like to dress up as Marshmello myself,” continued the kid. “I wear my dad’s Marshmello costume, it must be an old one because it has a pointy head, just like the one my grandad has on him in all of his photos.”