A young DJ has been left hospitalized after breaking both his wrists from aggressively twiddling the knobs on his mixer in a bid to impress the crowd and display how talented of a DJ he is.
“I was going through the set, playing ace banger after ace banger, touching the faders every now and then and twiddling the knobs before each big drop,” explained DJ and sunbed aficionado Paul Anderson. “But when I looked up I noticed that the crowd didn’t really seem to be too into what I was doing, which I thought was weird on account of me being the DJ and therefore the most important person in the room and the only thing anybody should be looking at.”
Not to be deterred by the audience’s lack of interest, which Paul said manifested itself as people talking – sometimes with their back to the booth, the young DJ decided to pull out what he has referred to as “the big guns”.
“I knew I needed to do something special and that playing with effects and loops mindlessly wasn’t going to cut it. The people needed a show and I was going to give them one,” explained the now hand-disabled Paul, who became sheepish when the topic of conversation came round to how he would hold his penis to piss or wipe his arse while injured before glancing at his Mum and looking away again quickly. “It was at this point in the show that I decided to try some really acrobatic fader action – the kind of stuff you see Aoki or Laidback Luke do.”
Paul says that he toyed with the idea of standing on the mixing desk with his arm outstretched like a victorious gladiator as he’d seen all the EDM DJs doing it at Tomorrowland but decided against it in case he slipped and hurt himself seriously or worse “ripped [his] t-shirt and messed his hair up in front of everybody”.
“That’s when I decided to do the move known as butterfly wrists just as the track was dropping,” wept Paul before describing the move which involves bringing down the levels of the track about a second before it drops and then quickly slamming them back up by flicking your wrists in an outward motion. “For a move like that you have to be as forceful as you can be so it makes the audience think that you’re actually doing something, but I guess I just went too far.”
Witnesses claim that the snap of Paul’s wrists was audible even over the sound of the drop with some thinking that the sound was actually part of the track because it “sounded pretty amazing”.
“I actually Shazamed it,” claimed one man, “it sounded that good.”
Paul says that when it happened he didn’t feel pain straight away cause “the crowd were going apeshit they were so impressed with [his] knob twiddling” and that he felt like James Zabiela or Jeff Mills except he “wasn’t really doing anything”.
Within moments however Paul’s euphoria wore off and he had to be carried from the stage crying in the arms of a bouncer. Doctors who treated him have said that his wrists would have been stronger if not for all the vigorous glad-handing he’d been doing with promoters all night and that he needs to avoid “DJing, wanking or shaking hands with people who he thinks can help his career”.
