Real Life

Lad Who Claims He Doesn’t Do Coke Happy To Take Bump Of Stuff He Didn’t Pay For

A lad who claims he doesn’t do coke is reportedly happy to take numerous bumps from other people’s bags that he hasn’t paid for.

According to Jim Dyson, he doesn’t need any of “that gak shit” to enjoy a good night out and he gets the same buzz of a “few bevvies” as his mates get from cocaine.

“That stuff’s not for me mate,” confirmed Dyson, known to his friends as hoover. “I don’t need to be going out and spending hundreds of pounds on some shitty powder to have a good night out. All of my mates do it and, to me, they’re just mugs because of it. I’m all about having fun but I like to have mine with thirty quid in my pocket and enough change for a kebab on my way home. You get me?”

“I’m not anti drugs or anything, I’ve dabbled a bit myself and I won’t turn away a bump or three if they’re put in front of me,” continued Dyson. “I just don’t see the point of spending the money on it, especially when all of my friends will have it and give it to me for free anyway.”

Paul Smith, a friend of Mr Dyson, also spoke to Wunderground, “Jim’s full of shit. He’s always giving it large about how he doesn’t do coke and how we’re all total mugs for forking out for it every weekend but as soon as Friday night arrives and we’re down the pub having a few sociables he’s the first one looking for a bump.”

“He’ll go around the room and get a ‘taste’ or a ‘livener’ off every single person who’s silly enough to give him one,” revealed Smith. “And when he’s got one of everyone he’ll start all over again, like Oliver Twist with his hand out, ‘please sir can I have a little more?’ The prick probably does more gak than any of us, we’ve nicknamed him hoover for a reason.”

Mr Dyson also spoke for a half an hour about he does not smoke, while in the smoking area, smoking other people’s cigarettes.

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