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Listening To The Chainsmokers Causes Cancer

Listening To The Chainsmokers Causes Cancer

A leading American doctor has confirmed that listening to The Chainsmokers is now the single biggest cause of ear cancer.

Nigel Spackman, the proud owner of a doctorate in music, believes that exposure to any of The Chainsmokers’ tracks increases the risk of developing ear cancer by over one hundred percent.

“As a doctor, albeit a doctor of music, I feel it is my responsibility to warn the public of the dangers associated with listening to The Chainsmokers and other shitty EDM music, it’s really not a laughing matter, nor is it still 2013, so it’s really about time people stopped listening to this stuff.”

“According to my research, which isn’t based on any fact whatsoever, listening to even one minute of The Chainsmokers’ music is almost certain to cause ear cancer in over one hundred percent of people who listen to it,” continued Spackman.

“I’ve been experimenting with mice and, so far, all of the mice who listened to The Chainsmokers have died, they’ve effectively become Deadmic5.” revealed the doctor. “I also stopped feeding them but I’m pretty certain it was the ear cancer that got them before the starvation kicked in.”

According to the International Music Standards Federation, The Chainsmokers will now be forced to include a public health warning, similar to those found on cigarette boxes, on their music’s packaging.

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We asked Brendan Smith, a forty-year-old chain smoker, for his opinion on The Chainsmokers’ music, “It’s shite,” he bluntly told us.

If you have been exposed to any of The Chainsmokers’ music in the past, we suggest you have a good long think about your life and then go to see a doctor.

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