Local Promoter Pities Your Shit Life

That local absolute fucking legend who is basically good at everything especially promoting, and is bloody gorgeous as well, has today revealed he really pities you and the shit life that you have chosen to lead.

Dave Gooding (23), has today admitted “yeah I know who you’re on about. What a sad pathetic twat. I love being me and I definitely wouldn’t want to that fucking dope.”

“I’d say that person looks at me and thinks ‘what a fucking legend’” he added. “Lets be straight, my gigs are fucking rammed. Even when they’re quiet, they’re fucking rammed. And the atmosphere, ooff! You won’t get an atmosphere like that in any other club in the world. Well, not in my world anyway.”

“On top of all that, I’m proper gorgeous. I have the best curly black hair ever to come out of my mother’s vagina, and somehow, god knows how I managed it, but I’ve managed to get that “wet-look” on my entire body, head to toe, not just my hair! Face, legs, the lot.”

“People look at me and think, I want guestlist off him, all night long.”

“People look at that other twat and think, I wish Dave Gooding was here, not that twat.”

“I’m really glad I’m me and nobody else, because fuck me I pity everybody else, and nobody pities me. Even my mum says she wishes she was me.”

“Wanna bump mate?”


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Local Promoter Pities Your Shit Life

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