A man has this morning called into work sick with a suspected case of food poisoning, which he believes he may have caught from one, or all, of the ten pints of beer he drank yesterday.
“It’s definitely food poisoning,” claimed a bedridden Jamie Harris. “I’ve been getting sick all morning and I’ve got a banging head, there’s was no way I could have gone into work today, I’m not even sure if I’ll manage to get in tomorrow at this stage. I’m totally done in and the weirdest thing is, I don’t even remember eating anything.”
“I went down the pub at lunchtime with the best intentions of getting myself a carvery but then Billy showed up with a bag and we got stuck into that instead,” continued Harris, whose food poisoning was seeming less likely by the second. “We must have had at least ten pints but I was at home and in bed by nine o’clock so I’m definitely not hungover, it has to be food poisoning.”
“We must have nipped into the kebab shop on the way home, every time I have one of them after ten pints I feel like shit the next day, those dirty bastards must be serving bloody rat meat or something in there,” he said accusingly. “I’ll tell you what, I’m never going back in there again after this. No way Jose.”
“Either that or I caught it from the pints I drank,” Jamie continued. “I have heard of people catching food poisoning off pints before so it could be a possibility, and I’d say you’d get all types of e Coli and Salmonella under Andy, the Barman’s, fingernails. He’s a right sort that fella, even thinking about him now is making me feel like throwing up again.”
According to Jamie’s boss, his employee must think he “came down in the last shower” if he believes he will fall for his latest excuse.
“Fucking food poisoning, on a Monday morning? Fuck off,” he told Wunderground. “I was in the pub yesterday too, I saw the little prick drinking pints all day and now he has food poisoning, he must think I’m daft. So far this year, he’s had meningitis, Ebola, malaria, aids and now this, all on a Monday and completely cleared up after one day. If he thinks he feels bad today, let’s see how bad he feels tomorrow when he sees some of the jobs I’ve got planned for him.”