“A man who claims to be a time traveler from the year 3000 has made a shocking revelation about the state of dance music in the future.
Mitchel Shaftsbury, who believes he is a secret agent sent back in time to protect us from ourselves, claimed that tech house will be up to ten time shitter at the turn of the next millennium.
“If you think it’s bad now, wait until you see what’s coming next,” ranted Shaftesbury during an interview with Wunderground earlier. “You can’t even imagine the type of tech house that’s going on in the future. We’ve got tracks that are over eight hours long, extended DJ sets that last for up to two weeks and we even elected Solardo as the joint Prime Ministers of the UK.”
“The world is at a real turning point now,” continued the time traveler. “We can either let tech house completely take over or we can do something about it and save everyone in the future from a lifetime of boring club experiences. I’ve been sent back to try and make sure the former doesn’t happen.”
According to Shaftsbury, the only way to stop tech house from taking over the world is by increasing its popularity and forcing it into popular culture.
“If we can really make tech house a global sensation now, it’ll run its course and fizzle out by the end of next year but if we leave it bubbling away as a subculture it will slowly but surely achieve total world domination,” he claimed. “I’ve already started my job too, do you really think CamelPhat’s Cola was that popular on its own accord? Of course it wasn’t, that was all my doing.”
The other major change to the music industry that Shaftesbury highlighted was Ibiza, which he claimed was “nothing like it used to be”.