Man Fails To Get His Shit Together For 687th Consecutive Weekend
Reports reaching Wunderground this evening suggest that an Irishman has reportedly failed to “get his shit together” for 687th consecutive weekend.
Barry Higgins, a thirty three year old from Dublin’s northside, is believed to be in a severely disheveled state after another heavy weekend left him contemplating the direction his life is taking.
Mr Higgins, who has been trying to get his shit together since returning home from a festival in July 2006, spoke to Wunderground moments ago, “What the fuck is wrong with me?” he asked. “Why can’t I just get my shit together. Every week, I tell myself I’m going to do and then bang, before I know it’s Friday and I’m seven pints deep and looking for a session.”
“Take this week for example, I went out for one pint after work on Friday and got home, €300 poorer, with two bottles of red wine at eleven o’clock on Sunday morning,” he said with real concern. “Then the wine was gone by 2:30 and I got my housemate to collect another two for me.”
“That’s not acceptable behaviour for someone my age, well it is in my circle of friends, but for most normal people it’s not. I need to have a long hard think about what I’m doing with my life,” he continued. “I need to start doing something that isn’t just going on the sesh, like the gym, or acting classes or anything at all, I’m going fucking mad with this shit.”
“If I could just get through one weekend, I’d be grand,” Higgins explained. “But as soon as work finishes on friday, I’m dying for a pint and once that first drip touches my lips, I’m fuked, four sheets to the wind and all systems go I’m left a quivering mess on Sunday.”
According to reports, Mr Higgins’s mood improved drastically after he ate an entire “family meal deal” from Dominos, the first food he’s had since lunchtime Friday, and watched four hours worth of back to back episodes of Friends.