A man at a house party has reportedly hired a private investigator after his last beer went missing out of the fridge.
Brian Blair, believes he was “hustled” out of his last can after a series of unlikely events concluded with the can’s disappearance.
“I’m proper fuming!” Blair told Wunderground moments ago. “I’ve been sitting with my eye on that fridge all night making sure no one went anywhere near my beers and I move for one second and then, BAM! All of a sudden my very last one disappears. I’m gonna get to the bottom of this if it fucking kills me.”
“Some cunt put Barry Manilow on the speaker and I jumped up to change it, it’s the only time I let my guard down, it must have happened then,” continued Blair. “There must have been more than one of them and they must have been watching me. There’s some right crafty fuckers in this gaff.”
“I’ve already been onto a private investigator and he’s on his way around here no to help me find the pricks responsible,” he explained. “Well, he’s not actually a private investigator, he’s one of my mates and he was already on his way, but he’s mad smart and good at figuring shit out. I saw him finish an entire square of Sudoku once, anyone who can do that will be able to solve this.”
According to Steven, the man tasked with finding the beer, Blair most likely drank the beer himself.
“Brian’s always losing things at parties,” Steven told us. “He’ll literally sit there, drink all of his cans, get through an entire bag and smoke all of his fags, then he’ll kick off and say someone stole them. It happens every single weekend.”
“Honestly, I think he knows deep down that he’s had them all but he manages to convince himself that he hasn’t,” he claimed. “It almost always ends with someone feeling sorry for him, or just trying to shut him up, and giving him a can, a bump or a fag, so I suppose whatever it is he’s doing, it’s working for him.”
However, one sneaky party goer, who asked to remain nameless, later came forward and admitted to stealing the can.
“It’s a classic case of the boy who cried wolf,” he said sneakily. “I’ve been watching that prick claiming his cans have been stolen for years, knowing full well they haven’t. So, I decided to play the prick, I put Barry Manilow on and I stole his fucking can. And you know what, it was lovely. I’d steal it all over again if I got the chance.”
At the time of going to press, Mr Blair was believed to be drawing pictures of his missing can on all of the milk cartons in the fridge and offering a reward of “two bumps and half a bumble” to anyone with any information as to the whereabouts of the can.