A man who is struggling to make this month’s rent is reportedly ready to “smash the pants off” another £200 night out this weekend.
Martin Oliver, a bank clerc from Stoke-on-Trent, is believed to be in a severe financial crisis, despite planning nights out for every weekend this month.
“I don’t know what I’m going to do,” Mr Oliver admitted earlier. “It’s not even half way through the month and I’m already skint. I spent way too much money last weekend, although it was an awesome sesh so I don’t regret a thing, now I’m looking at my bank balance wondering how the fuck I’m going to get through the rest of the month.”
“It’s not all bad, at the moment, I’ve still got enough money to pay for my rent and feed myself for the rest of the month,” the young man continued. “The only problem is, there’s still three weekends to go and that’s a minimum of about £200 per weekend, so by the time I take that away my rent and food money is pretty much gone.”
“Fuck it, I’ll just get this weekend out of the way and then think about it,” he said determinedly. “I’ll make it work, I always do, I don’t think there’s been one month in my entire adult life where I’ve had my finances in order by rent day. If I have to live off bread and water and pay for my rent in 2p coins I’ll do it, nothing’s gonna keep me in at the weekend.”
“I’m gonna get this month, and the next month, and the two months after that, out of the way and then I’m gonna get my head down and cut back on the partying,” Mr Oliver claimed with absolutely no conviction. “I’m gonna be twenty six soon, I can’t keep acting like I’m twenty four forever, 2020 is gonna be the year I get my shit together.”
Despite his best intentions, friends of Mr Oliver have claimed that there is no chance of him getting his shit together in 2020, as he has already made plans for two trips to Ibiza, twelve festivals, a weekend in Amsterdam and a nationwide clubbing tour, more on this as we get it.