An inquiry has been launched after a man addicted to ketamine bagged a top dressage prize at the World Equestrian Games carrying his best mate on his back.
Spectators reported that the man, in disguise as a horse, trotted into the arena with what has been described as “the elegance of a thoroughbred and the shiny flanks of an especially sexy horse” and proceeded to woo the judges to win first place with his horse-like displays of dexterity performing such dressage favourites as “that slow motion trot thingy, standing on hind legs and stand-up comedy”.
Reports claim that it was only after an observant spectator spotted the man’s Nike Air clad foot peeking out from the costume that the horse’s true identity was revealed to be Kevin, an expert glowstick operator from Liverpool.
Kevin, aged 22, was known amongst friends as a ‘bit of a ket head’ according to one source, and would regularly pass out after a heavy session with the lads – coming to only to partake in what friends have described as “red alert” sized keyfuls of the powerful anesthetic.
However, little did Kevin know that one particular friend, Joe, was utilising the opportunity to hypnotise and train Kevin for the purpose of equestrian events – something which he had tried before with another friend using strong cannabis and a reggae karaoke contest.
After months of hard work and encouragement involving walking a heavily ketted Kevin to the shop on leash, making him eat hay and having him fitted for a saddle, Joe successfully duped his friend to the point of compliance and walked him, without question, into the arena.
Ketamine is traditionally known as a horse tranquiliser, however in recent years dance music culture has popularised it amongst other breeds of animals – most significantly, ravers. These rare breeds use ketamine for the ‘wonky’ sensation that the drug offers which allows them to listen to boring tech-house for several days at a time but this is the first reported incident of ketamine-fueled horse confusion.
One side-effect from heavy ketamine use is a deterioration in mental well being which can make users vulnerable to being egged on by their mates to do things that they wouldn’t usually consider like being ridden around a paddock for the enjoyment of women in big hats who’ve had their hymens broken as teenagers by the muscular backs of horses.
Following the discovery that Kevin was a human man dressed as a horse and not a stallion named Buttercup, his and Joe’s gold medals were revoked and both men banned from ever competing at an equestrian event for at least three months.
