Music Festivals To Give Away “Free Mud” To Every Customer

Generous UK and Irish festival organisers have today announced ambitious plans to provide free mud to all festival attendees this coming summer.

Some of the festivals which have signed up for the new initiative include Glastonbury, Bestival and Electric Picnic.

“As part of a new scheme launching this year every attendee will be provided with 50mm of free mud absolutely 100% free with no addition to the ticket price,” confirmed Bestival organiser Rob Da Bank who says he hopes that punters of the Isle of Wight based festival will enjoy the exclusive opportunity to get pissed on by thousands of tonnes of, also completely free, water. “You wouldn’t get this level of free mud at any of the sun kissed European festivals so it’s our little way of rewarding our loyal customer base.”

The mud, which will be specially shipped in from artisan mud makers specialising in two varieties, extra slippy or extra sludgy, is expected to be provided throughout the course of the entire weekend’s festivities.

“The mud we have is top notch and is created here on site simply by mixing ground with a variety of rain. Well we’ve got all sorts of rain on offer, hazy, light, torrential and summer,” continued Mr. Da Bank. “Our customers won’t be sitting on the grass in the warm sun miserably praying for it to rain. They’ll be spoilt for choice with all the rain and mud they’ll be enjoying.”

“The free rainwater and mud can be used for any number of exciting and interesting purposes,” claims Rob, “like washing the outside of your tent, giving yourself an unwanted mudbath, finding a use for your wellies and mixing with piss to form a disgusting stream at the door of your tent.”

“I’m so excited about collecting my free mud,” gushed one customer. “I hate nothing more than coming to a festival and having to put up with ladies in skimpy tops playing frisbee in the sunshine while enjoying a cold cider and staving off sunburn. Thank god we won’t have to put up with that and will instead be treated to soaking socks, muddy faces and flooded sleeping bags all for free, I can’t wait.”