New Hipster VIP Areas Have Camomile Champagne, Gold-Plated Coco-Pops & No Working-Class Scum


In an effort to stay relevant and profitable during the current hipster recession across the UK, Hipster bars, cafes and organic porridge meet-ups have begun trialling VIP Areas for hipsters, offering more up-your-own-holeyness but without having to rub shoulders with the working class lower-level-scum of the Hipster hierarchy.

The new Hipster VIP areas will feature the lap of chic-luxury, including chamomile champagne, gold-plated coco-pops and second-hand furniture that has been hand-cleaned with the tears of a band so new they haven’t even been formed yet.

Some hipsters are delighted, with Toff Mc’Cool, an Irish immigrant hipster who made his money in the oil business back in 2014 (selling organic rapeseed oil at farmers markets) stating he was going to “eat his own body weight in couscous this weekend.”

“I mean, sure, I’m an immigrant with a beard that stinks of beard oil and body odour, I have a top-knot I haven’t undone or washed in 3 years and all my clothes were purchased from cancer victims via charity shops” continued Mc’Cool, “but I fucking despise poor people. They’re so shabby and same old, same old.”

“As far as hipsters go, I’m magnificent. I change my name to something new and quirky every week, I only eat rare bat droppings and I wear a top hat to work every day even though I’m a bicycle courier, so I have to hear it on top of my helmet.”

“So I deserve a VIP area! The one they just opened in The Wolf’s Rasher in Shoreditch in my favourite. It’s actually a working-class style theme bar in the back office at the rear of the premises, so you can sit and drink your sugar-puffs martini while the staff carry out their duties. They even give you little office jobs to do as part of the experience, like answering emails, doing stock takes and even noshing off the manager against your own will, all free as VIP perks.”

“And nothing says a hipster night out like sitting in a small brightly lit back-office on your own with a mouth full of stamps and jizz!”

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New Hipster VIP Areas Have Camomile Champagne, Gold-Plated Coco-Pops & No Working-Class Scum

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