A london nightclub has reportedly developed a state of the art breathalyser test which can be used to identify cunts before they enter the club.
Ministry of Sound, who have invested millions of pounds in various “cunt detection systems” in recent years, have reportedly “hit the nail on the head”, with some claiming the “cuntalyser” has a success rate of 98.9%.
“If there’s one thing that can really spoil a clubbing experience, no matter how good the club, the music or the drinks are, it’s a gang of fiucking cunts showing up,” claimed Tom Wattle, the club’s general manager. “We’ve tried thousands of different techniques to identify them but a lot of the time you can’t tell by looking at people because their true cuntyess doesn’t show until they’ve had a few drinks.”
“We’ve had very little success, apart from the time we banned anyone wearing Nike Huaraches, that’s the closest we’ve even been to being completely cunt free,” continued Wattle. “But now, thanks to the cuntalyser, we think we’ve finally cracked the cunt-undrum,” he added with a wink.
“Not a lot of people know this but being a cunt is actually a genetic thing. There are a few people who turn into cunts throughout their lives but more often than not, cunts are born cunts,” he explained. “We realised the most common form of cunt behaviour manifests itself through people saying cunt words from their cunt mouths so we figured there was probably someway to identify them through their breath.”
“We were right too, there’s actually trace amounts of excrement in every cunt’s breath and the cuntalyser can easily detect it. We’ve decided to trial it on Saturday 3 February when we’re hosting Basstone, with Volkoder, T2, Sammy Porter and DJ Luck & MC Neat. With absolutely no cunts, we’re expecting it to be the greatest night the club has ever seen.”
According to former Mayor of London Boris Johnson, the cuntalyser is a “flawed system” after it repeatedly identified him as a cunt, we think it was working perfectly fine.
If you would like the chance to party in a completely cunt free zone, click here for tickets and more information.