According to reports from the electronic music community, Richie Hawtin has now been added to the lineup for every major music festival happening this summer.
Hawtin is rumoured to be launching a new live show, NOSE, which reportedly blends industrial techno and some of the producer’s favourite smells from around the world.
“Richie has been working tirelessly on the new show and now he’s ready to bring it to pretty much every country in the world over the next year,” explained Hawtin’s tour manager, Ian Halliday. “We already have over two thousand confirmed festival appearances this summer and we’re in advanced negotiations with another thousand, it’s safe to say this is going to be a pretty busy summer for the whole team.”
Reports suggest that Hawtin’s NOSE show was originally developed as a “90 minute all-encompassing bonanza” but has since been shortened to a “12 minute wankfest” to accommodate a three thousand date touring schedule.
“Richie is looking at 2018 as a bit of a swan song,” continued Halliday. “He basically sees the international festival circuit as a giant goat’s udder and he’s planning on squeezing the teet as hard as possible to milk it dry and make enough feta to last him the rest of his life.”
“For all we know, this summer could be the last chance you’ll get to see Richie perform, ever, so you should probably buy a ticket to a festival near you soon,” he added dramatically. “But then again, he could come back with an even more ridiculous concept in twelve month’s time, I guess we’ll never know, until next year.”
Hawtin is believed to have bought a fleet of supersonic jets that will fly him and his team a combined total of approximately one point three million miles around the globe this year to honour all of his bookings.
Musical mouthpiece and general all round melter Moby has also commented on Hawtin’s summer schedule, “Hawtin is a total prick,” he told us. “And I’m not just saying that because I’m jealous of his hair. It’s because of his carbon footprint. Have you any idea how damaging all that traveling is to the environment? He’s basically just another Trump.”
Hawtin has yet to respond to Moby’s comments but it is believed he is hoping that Moby will “shut the fuck up”, a lot like the rest of us.