A list recently released by Forbes Magazine showing the world’s twenty richest DJs has been found to contain no actual DJs at all.
The list, headed up by Calvin Harris with a net worth of a cool $110 million, is instead made up of a mixture of mediocre producers, poster boys, dick weasels and imposters.
“Anyone who knows anything about the electronic music industry knows that the people who make up the top twenty richest DJs list are about as much DJs as the underwear I’m wearing,” claimed music journalist Mike Townsend. “In fact, in some cases, Steve Aoki I’m looking at you, I’d say my underwear is actually a more accomplished DJ, and probably smells better too.”
“What we’re actually seeing on the list is a who’s who of the industries biggest schmucks,” continued Townsend. “Harris, Guetta, Avicii and Aoki, they’re all there. They’ve got a combined total net worth in excess of $320 million and yet they can’t even be bothered to source good, original, new music or learn how to mix properly, two of the most fundamental requirements of DJing.”
“Having jerk-offs like this skimming all of the money from the top of the pile, when they don’t deserve it, is really damaging for the industry as a whole,” explained Townsend, once voted the “Most Cynical Bastard in Music” by his peers. “It means that less and less trickles through to the producers, promoters and DJs who keep the industry afloat, it’s all of the worst things about capitalism, rolled into a candy floss coated, electropop, shit ball.”
“Money always ruins everything in music, it’s happened to pop music, it’s happened to rap and now it’s happening to dance music,” ranted the journalist. “Well actually not everything, it never happened to death metal, that stuff blows, there’s no money in that at all.”
According to experts, the world’s top twenty richest DJ’s are responsible for up to twenty five percent of America’s cocaine consumption and thirty percent of all sex industry transactions, making them the second biggest consumer in both industries behind Dan Bilzarian.
