A paranoid drug dealer, who is reportedly fond of getting high on his own supply, will now only communicate with customers via “vape smoke signals”.
Trevor Morris, a local cocaine cowboy, is believed to be suffering from increasing paranoia and has completely abandoned conventional communication techniques while carrying out his business transactions.
Wunderground spoke to him earlier, “Are you sure you weren’t followed here?” he asked us before agreeing to reveal his face and answer our questions. “I’m telling you mate, the man is onto me big time. Even now, I bet there are four or five different sets of eyes watching me. I have to be extremely careful about how I go about my business from here on in.”
“I used to think I was pretty much untouchable,” claimed the dealer who covered his mouth with his hand while talking in case of lip readers. “I was talking on the phone without giving it a second thought, carrying out all of my business right under big brother’s nose. Now, I’m starting to pay the price for my frivolous behaviour, at this rate it’ll only be a matter of time before the feds get their hands on me.”
“I’ve really had to cut back on the communications,” he explained. “I tried using codewords on the phone but they hired a team of second World War veterans to build an enigma machine to crack them. Then, I started to use messenger pigeons but they got a team of falcons and cats to take my pigeons out. Now, I’ve started using smoke signals, but only from vapes because the government can’t trace vape smoke.”
“I’m not even sure if that’s going to be enough now,” he continued. “I’ve heard the government can mine the thoughts right out of your head. That’s why I’m using these,” he said as he produced a tinfoil hat from his kitchen cupboard. “They can’t hear what you’re thinking at all with these things on. I’ll get you one if you like, everyone’s gonna be wearing them soon.”
According to reports, since his interview, Mr Morris’s condition has severely worsened, he has now abandoned his tinfoil hat and feels the only way to contain his secrets is by surrounding himself with a barrier made out of jars of his own piss.