Conrad Hilton, the younger, spottier, equally spoiled brother of “Self Proclaimed Superstar DJ” Paris, made headlines yesterday after claiming that his recent aggressive behaviour aboard a BA Flight was a result of “the constant pressures of having to listen to personal mixes Paris keeps sending [him]”.
The barely pubic Conrad Hilton caused bedlam on the flight from London to Los Angeles by ranting and abusing other passengers by screaming self entitled obscenities about how he “owns people” like some sort of spittle-flecked, unbalanced Roman emperor except less relatable.
Not content with mumbling something about his undeserved fortune, he’s then alleged to have selfishly smoked “pot” all to himself in a locked toilet, an action which angered both passengers and crew.
“We first noticed something was wrong when one of my team was struck on the head with a pair of hardly used gold plated Beats by Dre headphones,” explained flight attendant Daisy Ray. “Next thing this scrawny, rent-a-dick, Bieber-ite jumped up from his seat and started trying to rip his own ears off with his hands and a plastic knife.”
“We were cool with that, as we were on route from a stopover at Hakkasan Vegas, and are used to the occasional realisation from some passengers that they have wasted their teenage years listening to ‘that shit music,'” she continued. “Him being a self-regarding cash-flasher and not sharing his ‘pot’ made us less sympathetic to what was obviously a fate worse than rehab – having to listen to his sister’s, ahem, music.”
“We made pleas for him to calm down and promised he’d never have to listen to the ‘music’ again but he claimed he was ‘too far gone’ and that ‘death, or a highly publicised breakdown’ was the only release,” she added.
Ms. Ray claims that the in-flight staff had no choice but to attempt to restrain the unruly Hilton heir, a feat which they accomplished by acting subservient, catering to his ego and letting him stub cigarettes out on their bare chests.
“That really lulled him into a false sense of security,” claimed Ms. Ray. “The second he saw us as flesh mannequins on which he was able to inflict cruel and unnecessary punishment he calmed right down.”
Hilton’s legal team have attempted to blame his behaviour on having too much money, and no real life experience, but one of Wunderground’s extensive international sources has revealed something different.
Electing to disguise his name by only being referred to as ‘DG’, our source claims that for the last two years Hilton’s older, bonier sister Paris has been bombarding him with un-prepared live mixes which she’s ‘knocked up in one of her pop-up-shit-shops’.
In a French accent and with hair in his eyes, DG, explained that the difference between what Paris does so badly when she plays out and what she does so badly when actually trying to mix would have “surely driven even the most hardened listener to contemplate complete aural suicide”.
“I’ve had first-hand experience of what she cannot do, and I told her from the start ‘don’t ever try and mix live,'” explained DG. “Thankfully she took that advice and never mixes live. Unfortunately poor Conrad has become a sounding block when she’s choosing her own playlist of whatever Beatport tracks are popular that week, and then mixing without the sync button we all use.”
“The resulting noise, while not exactly music, will cause the same kind of angsty breakdown that say a Papa Roach album or Nazi ballad would cause,” added DG. “This is what happened to Conrad, so in a way, you can’t blame the guy.”
We understand that Conrad Hilton will be able to segway free from the court after this revelation breaks but will be recommended to check himself into Berghain for an intensive six months of listening to Adam Beyer to purge his soul, and hopefully save his life.
