Patrick Topping Is Doing Your Shopping

Newcastle’s most recognisable DJ, and owner of Britain’s straightest fringe, Patrick Topping, has denied rumours that he is to play a New Year’s Eve set in Morrisons, claiming the only supermarket he would ever play in would be Tesco.

Topping has moved to distance himself from a fake facebook event, Patrick Topping whilst doing your shopping, by insisting that Morrison’s is “nothing but Yorkshire scum” while Tesco is a brand he could get his head around working with.

“It’s not that I’ve got something against Yorkshire like, it’s just that the whole place and everyone who lives there or has ever even visited the place is absolutely horrible,” Topping explained. “I don’t know who this donut is who’s claimed I’m playing in Morrisons but it’s absolute rubbish, I wouldn’t even shop there, let alone play a DJ set there.”

“Tesco, on the other hand, is a brand I could really get to grips with, even though they’re southern,” continued the DJ. “Their ‘Everyday Value’ brand is proper good. I can get a tin of beans for 11p, that’s my entire week’s shopping done for under £2.50, you can’t go wrong with that like.”

“So, let me set the record straight, I’m not playing in Morrisons with Brenda from the bakery in Plymouth, or anywhere else, on New Year’s Eve or on any other night, I don’t even know who Brenda is,” he insisted. “I’m actually not playing any gigs at Christmas at all, apart from Motion, Newcastle, on Boxing Day. It’s gonna be a proper belta and I’ll be getting totally mortal. Why aye man!”

In related news, Brenda, the lovely woman from Morrisons bakery, has also distanced herself from the fake event page, claiming she’s far more into “the Drumcode sound than the stuff Topping plays anyway”.

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Patrick Topping Is Doing Your Shopping

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