Power Failure At Calvin Harris Gig Increases Customer Satisfaction By 90%
A survey taken of attendees at a recent Calvin Harris gig after it was abandoned because of a power cut has shown a shocking 90% increase in customer satisfaction.
The gig, held in the Harris stronghold of Scotland, was deemed Harris’s “best one yet” with some claiming that “the light show was amazing – when it cut out and stopped being an unnecessary gaudy eyesore”.
One witness, MacAengus “Haggis” MacTaggart, said that “he didn’t even realise that the music was actually that shite until it stopped” and that he’d “pay money to go to more gigs where Calvin Harris is not playing”.
He further claimed that, “when the absolute aural diarrhoea that is his music was contrasted against the glistening golden blank canvas that is silence; it was all the more apparent.”
According to another witness, who wishes to remain anonymous as he is Calvin Harris’s manager and his comments could get him in to trouble with his client, “people just began to talk amongst themselves and began to form real and lasting connections.”
He continued, while looking over his shoulder to make sure Harris was nowhere in sight, “I think a few good friendships began that night as everyone bonded over how truly beautiful the silence was in comparison to such banal aural discharge as It Was Acceptable in the 80s.”
The poll itself was taken as people left the arena, and everyone passing seemed more than happy to engage with the pollsters, which was in stark comparison to Harris’s last gig when a couple of thousand bawdy drunken fuckwits flopped out onto the streets of London like a Tsunami of shite, wrecking bus stops, heads and lives in their wake.
It would seem from this that the problem never was the clientele who attend the gigs, but rather that people leaving Harris’s shows were so hepped up on pure frustration at having to listen to a two hour volley of shite being thrown at their ears that they simply lost the will to be civilised.
Harris’s manager claims that the next gig will be performed in total silence, where Harris himself will simply play a two hour extended mix of John Cage’s 4.33, much to the delight of his fans and music lovers everywhere.