English Premier League club, Queens Park Rangers, have announced ambitious plans to sign the rights to the frozen sperm of footballing great, Pele, in a bid to breed a ‘super footballer.’
A club spokesperson said, “QPR is a club on the rise and we want to display our ambition by signing the world’s best. Pele is perhaps the greatest of all time so we thought to ourselves ‘why not sign him?’. Unfortunately for us and Pele, he’s retired. So we had nowhere to turn to really until Pfizer, the manufacturers of Viagra, heard of our plans and made us an interesting offer”.
Representatives of the willy-wonk super-pill, for whom Pele is a keen spokesperson, contacted QPR with the possibility of purchasing the rights to spermatazoa produced by Pele that they had in cryogenic storage.
‘We have buckets of the stuff’, a Viagra representative enthused. ‘We saw it as a chance to make millions of fans happy by bringing about the next generation of footballing superhero. And to clear out the fridge.’
Pele’s relationship with Viagra began when he approached them for test trials having suffered for years from erectile dysfunction. ‘It all started for Pele after winning the 1970 World Cup,’ a Viagra spokesperson said. ‘He achieved the shuddering climax of winning football’s greatest prize but the experience left everything else in his life, including sex, a distant second.’
According to a former lover, who wishes to remain unnamed, the footballing great had no choice but to seek the help of Viagra as he was forced to devise ever complex rituals to achieve sexual stimulation. ‘Well because he’d won the World Cup, he developed an association with football and sexual pleasure that made for some kinky sessions,’ the former lover explained.
‘One of the first things he’d do was put on a CD but instead of music it was just the noise from a stadium filled with chanting fans. The last thing I expected to hear was the sound of 40,000 people chanting Pele’s name over and over and over again.’
Pele’s sexual problems evolved to ever greater levels of complexity. According to another former lover Pele began insisting that after intercourse that she swap jerseys over a gentlemanly handshake. ‘After he finished he’d stay on top of me and scream the word ‘goal’ for a really long time. He’d then leap off me and raising his hands to an imaginary stadium he’d do victory laps of the bed, fall to his knees and weep joyously. Following this he’d then take off his shirt, which was always the famous Brazilian yellow, and shake my hand while telling me I played a good game and got stuck in.’
‘I’m glad he got the help he needed from Viagra because his sex life couldn’t continue like that. I mean, I enjoyed it of course…I did feel a little disturbed when he introduced the obviously aroused “referee”, but it’s Pele for God’s sake! You’re not going to not have sex with him.’
Viagra reportedly are demanding €50 million for the exclusive rights to Pele’s sperm. The deal is expected to be concluded later this week.
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