Research released today shows that the quantity of online articles about the resurgence of vinyl has finally been overtaken by sales of actual vinyl for the first time. The fact-finding mission, set up by DJ regulatory body OFFSPIN, added up sales information from the last six remaining vinyl record shops in the world and then compared them to the number of online articles and reports of the return of vinyl.
Industry expert’s however, were quick to quell any talk of a genuine vinyl revival, dismissing the figures as a mere blip in an inevitable trend towards ever-increasing quantities of articles claiming that vinyl was making a comeback. Detailed analysis of all available figures suggest that vinyl resurgence article quantities will continue to rise at an exponential level to the actual number of records sold. Salford Technical College’s Professor Testtube, a researcher into vinyl sales told us: “Resurgence? I’ve had bigger resurgences following a nice lasagne and a couple of glasses of vino of an evening. Nice bit of Kenny G on the Hi-Fi – I’m a vinyl purist obviously – masturbate myself into a tearful stupor and then back to work the next day. Essentially I’m a functioning alcoholic. Wait, you’re not recording this are you?”
The research also demonstrated that there is a clear link between people buying vinyl and then realising they would need to also buy a record player. The UK Government Dept. of Health has advised against buying either record’s, or a record player, suggesting that there are very real and dangerous side effects involved. These can include always banging on about vinyl any chance you get, and working it into entirely unrelated conversations in a heavy-handed fashion.