In a bid to appear relevant to her subjects, British monarch Queen Elizabeth II, is set to appropriate the musical zeitgeist and “rap” rather than speak her traditional Christmas address.
Unconfirmed rumours suggest that the monarch, seen here having a giggle in a pair of jewel encrusted shades believed to have been a gift from Bono, has become disillusioned with the current television format and wants to embrace the internet age by live streaming the historic event.
“It’s all her own idea,” explained a palace insider. “She’s tired of being seen as an anachronism and wants to appeal to the younger generation in the only way she knows how by dropping a couple of fat bars over some slick beats.”
The darlings of nu-garage, Disclosure, are rumoured to be working on a sleazy beat over which the ageing monarch will perform two verses which are said to contain “more multiples than your woman off Sex and the City.”
“She’s been in training for the last couple of weeks and it’s slow going,” continued the source. “Every time she tries to count the beat in she inadvertently thinks one is actually starting a sentence.”
“The majestic plural is proving a big problem.”
“We’re hopeful that she’ll master it,” commented the source. “We had a similar problem with trying to get her to master hand gestures but we worked around that by telling her to imagine she’s putting a medal over the neck of a war hero while swaying. It looks totally convincing.”
Reports suggest that the lyrics will be of the Queen’s own devising and will touch on subjects that wouldn’t appear out of place in any current hip hop track such as bling, owning several ostentatious homes and being the Queen Bee. Jay – Z was said to have commented, “It’s like she’s saying what we’re all thinking.”
A planned verse by Prince Harry may not go ahead with reports indicating that the hedonistic prince insisted on dropping n-bombs when he managed to perform without slurring his words.
It’s unconfirmed whether or not the Queen will twerk in the video but eye witness reports from media whore former butler, Paul Burrell, indicate that twerking consultant, Miley Cyrus, was seen entering Sandringham House holding a riding crop while sticking her tongue out to catch some passing flies.”
The live stream, which is the first time the Queen has utilised a live feed since Prince Philip had those two whores fight to the death, is set to be broadcast on Christmas Day.
Lame joke mate, the rapping ‘grannies’ or other miscellaneous old folk rapping ceased to be funny after it was quite literally done to death in the mid to late nineties.