News emerging from a local statistician’s office suggests that quiet nights in now involve more drink and drugs than nights out.
Ian Holmes claims that people who stay in for a quiet drink are ten times more likely to get “pissed up and call a drug dealer” than people who go out for a “couple of sociables”.
“It’s standard Friday night behaviour,” explained Holmes. “We see it up and down the country every single weekend. People have the best intention, they get two or three beers in nice and early, have them drank before they even eat their dinner, then, before they know it, they’re back in the offie buying another eight cans and a bottle of Vodka, just to be safe.”
“Even at this point they’re still telling themselves that they’ll be in bed by one, they’ll probably have some menial task they need to do the next day as an insurance policy but it’s normally the type of thing that can easily be blown off for a day or two, like visiting your mum or doing your laundry,” continued Holmes. “The reality of the situation is; once that first sip of alcohol touches their lips they know full well that it’ll be bright when they’re going to bed.”
“Once the dinner has settled, the phones inevitably come out,” claimed the statistician. “It’s either to call a dealer, invite a friend who’s a dealer over or a friend who has a good contact over, by which point they’ve probably already started making excuses for calling in sick on Monday morning.”
“When we compare this with someone who goes out for one or two down the local it’s completely different,” he told us. “Sure, they’ll probably have eight or nine instead of one or two but they’ll be more likely to get a kebab than a bag while their out. The only problem is they have to go home afterwards where, inevitably, there’s some sort of a fucking session going on. It’s a bit of vicious cycle to be honest with you.”
In related news, according to statistics, one in every three British coffee tables has had lines of cocaine sniffed off them in the last seven days.
