Local degenerate Stephen Atkinson has announced plans for his most hysterical costume in years this Halloween: a bloke who has his shit together.
The unemployed twenty-four-year-old spent all day getting his costume ready, doing laundry for the first time in months and even purchasing a new pair of khaki slacks because every pair of pants he owned had holes in the crotch area. “I’m going all out for this costume,” said Atkinson chuckling as he ironed the only shirt he owned, “can you imagine the twats who do this every day?!”
The costume was an immediate hit as soon as Atkinson arrived at his friend Deirdre’s party (shockingly on time) in his business casual outfit, belting out a line he’d written specifically for his entrance. “Hey everyone, I was just at a doctor’s appointment around the corner so I thought I’d pop over!” The joke got everyone at the party doubled over laughing at the idea that Atkinson would actually see a physician about an illness, instead of just palming a few pills from his parent’s medicine cabinet.
“Oh man, Stephen’s costume is spot on! None of his clothes have the grease stains he gets when he passes out eating pizza, and his breath doesn’t even smell like shitty weed!” said Deirdre who expressed even more amazement when Atkinson produced a small bottle of bottom shelf vodka he contributed to the party’s liquor table. “No way! He’s not just mooching off of everyone else. Legendary!”
Determined not to let the impact of his costume fade, Atkinson debuted the crown jewel of his Halloween garb later on in the night: a day planner like, Atkinson claims, “those wankers who wear suits use.” On it he wrote “5 year plan” in large letters and had several bullet points he sarcastically intended to achieve in the future like “invest money”, “buy a car,” and “contribute to society.”
To top off the demonstration he’d scan the book and say, “Oh, looks like I’ll be calling it an early night, I’ve got to be up early to take my niece to the zoo for her birthday.” This again got belly laughs from anyone who tried to imagine Atkinson either waking up before noon, or visiting his niece who he hadn’t seen since her christening three years ago, a party he only attended because there was free wine.
When asked the next morning how he felt his costume went, Atkinson assured Wunderground it exceeded expectations all night long, “One girl thought it was so funny she slept with me, and I stayed in character and used a condom. Hilarious, right?” He then concluded, “I’m glad I spent all day working on this costume instead of going to that lame job interview.”