The world’s favourite unsolved mystery show, The X Files, is set to return for one last show, where Mulder and Scully will investigate why Tiësto still gets booked.
According to actor David Duchovny, the show’s finale will look at one of the “greatest unsolved mysteries of them all”, the murky world of EDM DJs.
“As a genuine, certified, X Files actor, I’ve naturally developed quite a taste for anything that would be considered out of the ordinary, strange, unusual or mysterious,” Duchovny told Wunderground earlier today. “Take my penis, for example, it’s one of the real mysteries of my body, nothing goes into it but stuff comes out of it all the time,” he continued before looking us in the eye and singing “do do do do doo do” to the tune of The X Files theme music.
“Then there’s magnets,” he strangely continued. “To the naked eye, they look like inconspicuous chunks of steel, but yet they are capable of sticking to metal. No one knows how they work, they just work. Which brings us conveniently on to EDM DJs, in particular, Tiësto, and how he still manages to get work.”
“The man has no real appeal, he’s a middle-aged Dutch guy who has a face that looks like it fell off the side of a lorry,” continued Duchovny. “He has the exact same amount of charisma as a toenail clipping and the fashion sense of a colour blind grandpa living on a rural cheese making commune in a wartorn 1940s Holland.”
“And, despite all of this, he still manages to get booked,” Duchovny claimed while pretending to scan the landscape with his cell phone and making weird beeping sounds with his mouth. “It’s the Universe’s last true mystery but I think I’ve got it cracked,” he said before pausing for what seemed like ten minutes for dramatic effect. “Aliens!”
“Think about it, when’s the last time you saw Tiësto being normal? You never have. He’s clearly an alien who has brainwashed our kids, using chemtrails, obviously, and tricked us all into believing he’s a DJ. I can’t wait to get Scully back out on the field and actually prove this once and for all.”
“Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got work to do… do do do doo do.”
Unconfirmed reports suggest that Tiësto is not actually an alien but is, in fact, a robot lizard who is controlled by the Freemasons and the Rothschild family in an attempt to gain control of the EDM industry, more on this as we get it.