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Record Number Of “Socially Responsible” Hipsters Now Working At Corporate Giant Tesco

Record Number Of “Socially Responsible” Hipsters Now Working At Corporate Giant Tesco

Spokespeople for corporate giant, and all round moral black hole, Tesco say they are extremely excited to welcome a record number of new staff to the Reich company as festival season draws to a close for another year.

Wunderground spoke to Geoff Cadillac III, head of Tesco HR, to get the lowdown on how festival season affects the chain and why September is such an exciting month in the world of frozen nuggets and merciless profiteering.

“Festival season itself is a no-brainer, we get all the leftover stock of shite booze we can normally only sell to forklift truck operators, stick a ‘3 for £20’ sticker on it and suddenly every craft beer drinking artisan bore in the country is more than chuffed to stick Fosters down their pipes at a chronic mark up, conveniently not mentioning the fact they usually bitch about it when it’s the most reasonably priced pint in the pub,” explained Mr Cadillac whilst drawing a silly moustache on a picture of a third world farmer with a Tippex pen.

“We also buy in really shit quality tents that are an absolute sod to put up when sober on festival day one, let alone on day three when you’re half-cut and hanging out of your arse like Barrymore at a pool party.”

“This ensures, no matter how environmentally friendly you claim to be, you simply give up, leave the tent in a puddle of your own filth and come back to us to buy another one next year,” Mr Cadillac continued whilst sticking Tesco branded pins in a map of what appeared to be a Somalian diamond mine.

“But that’s not even the best bit! After we’ve made a shit-tonne of money off these chia seed snorting charlatans, simply by undercutting genuinely responsible brands, they all realise they’re completely broke.”

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“Having spent all their money on glitter and balloons like some sort of second rate children’s entertainer who can’t budget properly, they have no choice but to come and work for unscrupulous hirers like us until next festival season.”

“When they plan to spend all of their wages on travelling, glitter and balloons whilst moaning the Western world is an endless cycle of indulgent consumerism.”

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