Alex Salmond opened up a new front in the Scottish referendum campaign for the Scottish National Party (SNP) today as he accused Britain of stealing techno and their “slamming dirty bass lines”.
He went on to claim that Britain had been palming Scotland off with “counterfeit-techno” otherwise known by its street name “EDM”, which is usually cut with repetitive garage mixes or painful break sets.
Professor Greggs from Edinburgh University has previously warned of the dangers of EDM and welcomes the SNP’s calls for a new “anti-EDM” bill to be passed in Scotland.
“We need to save the future generations, before it’s too late, we are now seeing an average of 45 cases a week of EDM abuse,” claimed Professor Greggs. “Side effects include increased social cohesion, a marked drop in the consumption of fried foods and less anti-social behaviour – all of which are horribly anti-Scottish and need to be eliminated.”
The bill being hailed by many as the saviour of Scotland, will assign an official regulator to oversee all DJ’s and ensure the sets are 100% “banging techno”.
Those found to be in possession of EDM, will be given the infamous “Glasgow-kiss” and face tough criminal proceedings.
Moustache totting and sarcastic eyewear wearing DJ Seth Troxler is rumoured to be up for the role of techno regulator. Sources close to him say that he is excited at his new role and looking forward to purging Scotland of EDM whilst tucking into some haggis and brown sauce.
The sharp rise in popularity of excessively bejewelled high-top trainers, mocking throwback bomber jackets and severe 90’s neon, has seen a direct correlation of the increase in production of EDM. It has worryingly being used everywhere from cafes to changing rooms and shows no signs of demand slowing.
An insipid sky-blue eyed Rose McNab, who held vigil at the front-row at the Arches club during Pressure gigs in Glasgow, confessed that the severe lack of techno has forced her and her fun-loving pals to retreat to pubs on mass where they are forced to engage in awkward conversation and the realisation that they have nothing in common, instead of consuming counterfeit-illegal highs and chewing their faces off.
“We know it’s not right, but what choice do we have with the unknown effects of EDM, its too risky,” she commented.
Recent polls showed a worrying trend of soaring numbers of Scots now relying on commercial EDM also known as counterfeit-techno to get through the weekend. Self-proclaimed party-animal and part-time sales rep Fergus admitted, “Sometimes I would find myself singing along and actually smiling,” he wept, “there is no place for that kind of music in Scotland.”
David Cameron has cautioned against the action at the risk of Scotland turning into a one-tune nation, “we can restore techno harmony better together ”.
The referendum scheduled for the September 18th will pave the way for the future of Scotland’s techno scene.
