A number of plots to murder a student with a guitar in the western region of the Extrema Festival campsite have reportedly been foiled by festival security. According to sources, the student, known to other campers as a “bit of a twat”, has no idea that his life may be in danger and has so far failed to put the guitar away.
“Nobody wants to hear some jerk playing out of key Ed Sheeran songs at seven in the morning,” ranted one over-tired camper. “If he tries that again tonight somebody’s going to kill him. He’s not even just playing the guitar either,” continued the camper.
“He’s singing at the top of his voice, and he can’t sing for shit. He sounds like a mix between two cats having extremely painful sex and a broken coffee machine sputtering out shit coffee. It was fucking horrible.” One potential murderer claimed the student came within minutes of losing his life and was only spared after he wandered off to annoy people at another tent.
“I don’t know how I would have done it, but I definitely would have murdered him if he hadn’t fucked off. He was outside our tent playing for at least forty five minutes, it was only when everyone pretended they were tired and went to bed that he left. He’ll never know how close he came to dying last night.”
Rumours suggest that security chiefs are believed to be planning a special ops style mission later tonight that will see them break into the student’s tent and extract the guitar in an attempt to keep him alive for the remainder of the festival.