German techno legend Sven Väth has reportedly been awarded the honour of remixing Luis Fonsi’s club-banger Despacito.
The cocoon label boss was overheard boasting about how he is set to “breateh new life into techno” and “save the genre” with his Despacito remix during Cocoon’s closing party in Amnesia, Ibiza, earlier this month.
“Sven is super happy about the remix,” claimed one Cocoon insider. “Despacito is pretty hot property in world music right now and I’m pretty sure he’ll sprinkle his usual magic all over it. I’ve heard that he’s even planning on getting an actual robot to sing Justin Bieber’s bit, that alone will make the remix one million times better than the original.”
Wunderground also spoke to fellow bald man and occasional Sven Väth fan Moby, “Well, Sven Väth may very well be about to remix the biggest track of 2017, but, did you know that animals are people too? In fact, in many ways, animals are ever more people than people, think about it.”
“Sometimes people just drive me crazy,” admitted Moby. “Like, I really love the way an animal will just voluntarily lick my hand but every time I ask a person to lick my hand they always charge me extra. I wish I had been born an animal.”
“There are over six billion dogs currently living in slavery in the world,” continued the former musician. “They’re forced to guard people’s property, carry sticks and fetch newspapers against their will, it’s just not right. So I don’t really care what Sven Väth is doing. Until we get equality for dogs, I’m totally boycotting everything. Buy my book.”
In related news, an Australian scientist has successfully added Justin Bieber’s genes to an unhatched bird embryo. When it hatches, he believes he will have a completely new species of bird which he plans on calling an Annoying Tit.