New York based cretinous EDM duo The Chainsmokers have been forced to cancel all of their upcoming “shows” after both members of the group were hilariously diagnosed with chronic bronchitis, a disease which afflicts chain smokers, self promoting morons and pole smokers – all three of which are believed to be causing the duo’s sickness.
Chronic bronchitis, a respiratory disease, is common amongst heavy smokers and can lead to extended periods of sickness, lasting up to three months, with symptoms such as a cough, shortness of breath and extremely thick phlegm.
Andrew Taggert, half of the EDM duo, spoke to Wunderground earlier today, “We’re really sorry to have to cancel so many great shows over the coming months. Myself and Alex (bandmate) always try to be as professional as possible but when it comes to your health you just can’t be too careful.”
“I started to notice that something was really wrong when we were playing at Tomorrowland a couple of weeks ago,” explained Mr. Taggert between fits of hysterical coughing. “I was coughing a lot, really a lot even for a chain smoker. Next thing this massive glob of phlegm came flying out of my mouth straight and into the crowd. It was luminous yellow and I guess with it being the same colour as kandi jewelry the girl who it hit must have thought it was part of the show, like a Steve Aoki cake,” he continued before producing a sample of the luminous yellow lung butter.
“After that there was a constant supply of the stuff so I just kept coughing it up and spitting it out,” claimed Mr. Taggert, pictured above enjoying a nice hot Lemsip. “The crowd were really loving it. I even seen a tweet a couple of days later that read ‘Chainsmokers were definitely the highlight of Tomorrowland for me. Loved the weird yellow ectoplasmy stuff they were throwing into the crowd. So original’. People are so stupid, we were going to just go with and try use the sickness to our advantage but our doctor told us we needed to stop and rest so unfortunately that means no more shown until November at the earliest.”
The Chainsmokers, who rose from relative obscurity to slightly less relative obscurity with their 2014 hit single Selfie, were set to bring their cheap, unoriginal, childish and boring brand of EDM to a number of high profile gigs, including Electric Zoo Festival, later this summer.
The announcement from The Chainsmokers, whose song Selfie is said to be the only thing in the world more annoying than an actual selfie, has had a mixed response from the public after the news was posted on Electric Zoo’s Facebook page. One fan commented “OMG can’t believe The Chainsmokers wont be playing at Electric Zoo. FML”. While ten thousand four hundred and seventy four people asked “Who the fuck are The Chainsmokers?”.
