A thirty year old man who is planning his tenth attempt at quitting drugs, drinking excessively and living a party lifestyle, as a New Year’s resolution, is hoping that this attempt will be the “tenth time lucky”.
Anthony Warren, a part time weed dealer and full time layabout, is said to be “determined to change” his ways and believes 2017 will be a “big year” for him.
“I’ve pretty much wanted to quit taking drugs and going on the sesh since I started taking drugs and going on the sesh,” explained Mr Warren earlier. “I’ve always known it’s bad for me, the problem is I really like doing it and it’s a lot of fucking fun. I’ve tried to quit every January for the last ten years and usually I’ve fallen off the bandwagon within five or ten minutes but this time it’s different, I have a feeling that 2017 will be the year I get my shit together.”
“The difference between this year and all the other year’s is that I really want to quit this time, I think the other years I tried to quit because I thought I should, not because I really wanted to,” continued Warren. “I’m not getting any younger, I’ve never had a job, I’ve been having casual sex with hundreds of women and taking excessive amounts of drugs for the last ten years, I just think it’s time I settle down and grow up a bit.”
“I stayed in about three or four weekends this year and it wasn’t too bad,” revealed Warren. “Sure, I was on the bag in the house those weekends and I had loads of friends around but I reckon I’ll have no problem staying in all the time next year, then, all I’ll need to do is find a bird, a job and cripple myself with debt and I’ll be a proper grown up.”
“I’ve put a proper big order of drugs in to get me through Christmas and get the last of the partying out of my system. I just need to make sure that I’ve taken everything by the time the clock strikes twelve on New Year’s Eve.”
According to friends of Mr Warren, the thirty year old has “no chance” of giving up the sesh and will be “back on the gear” before one a.m. on 1 January.
