Real Life

Thousands Sacked Nationwide After Buying Colleagues Grams Of Coke For Secret Santa

Over two thousand people have visited Jobcentre Plus branches across the UK this week, after finding themselves sacked for misconduct.

It is believed that with the majority of offices and retail outlets having their annual Christmas party over the weekend, some of the “less intelligent” staff took it upon themselves to buy narcotics for co-workers as their Secret Santa gift, leading to problems with senior management who remain “anti-drugs”.

“Why can’t the old brigade accept drugs are part of everyday life?” asked newly unemployed and real life dumdum Danny Smith, from Manchester. “I got Karen from marketing in the Secret Santa and I know she loves getting on it at weekends, so I assumed she’d appreciate a gram. My boss told me it was inappropriate and sacked me on the spot.”

“I guess I’ll need to learn the lesson that it’s better to get someone a mug they’ll never use, or socks they’ll never wear, instead of something they actually want and will appreciate.”

Nineteen year old Jess Jackson, from Durham, also found herself out of work after assuming it was OK to “rack up a line” in front of her Managing Director, “I’d only been working there for six days,” she laughed. “Somebody, I don’t know who, gave me a load of charlie for Secret Santa. I assumed, if it was OK to give as a gift, it was OK to receive and do. I offered the MD a little corner and he basically told me to fuck off and never come back. His loss, it was banging gear.”

Wunderground caught up with local drug dealer, Frankie Sharpe, with regards to his sales activity from the previous week, “It was a very weird time for me,” he confirmed. “I was getting calls and meeting up with all these new bods, they told me they were buying it as a gift for a friend. I assumed it was a bunch of new wreck-heads trying to hide their addiction.”

“Little did I know it was actually going to be given as presents? Next year, for an extra fiver, I’m going to offer a gift wrapping service.”

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