International sport’s favorite pantomime villain, Tiger Woods, is reportedly on the green.
Sources close to the golfer have confirmed that Woods has been “hitting the green extra hard” in recent weeks after details of his personal life have made it into the media.
“Tiger was born to be on the green but, unfortunately, he’s been on the green more than he’s been on the green lately,” claimed Bob Jones, a close friend of Woods. “Tiger’s transition from national hero to a normal guy who has problems has been pretty tough for him and, in hard times, he’s turned to what he knows best, which is obviously getting on the green.”
“Even since Amendment 2 was passed in Florida last year, making medicinal marijuana legal, Tiger has pretty much been the sickest man in the whole world,” continued Jones. “He’s had everything from acute bollock pain to chronic boredom and, so far, everything he’s had has been treatable by a nice fat bag of green.”
“He’s walking around with big red puffy eyes telling everyone he’s suffering from hay fever,” revealed Jones. “It’s total bull shit, he spent half his life on golf courses and never once did he have red eyes or a runny nose. The truth is he’s on the green twenty-four-seven and he’s just stoned off his nut. Fair play to him too. If I didn’t have to do a real job, I’d be doing the exact same thing myself.”
According to sources, after Woods’ recent DUI, the golfer now plans to hire a driver which he believes will make it easier for him to get on the green.