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Tour Manager Realises He’s Only There To Source Drugs

Tour Manager Realises He’s Only There To Source Drugs

The tour manager of a prominent English DJ has reportedly just come to the conclusion that the sole purpose of his job is to source drugs in various cities around the world.

Barry Holland, twenty-eight, claims his client is an avid drug user and does not take ‘we’re in a different country’ as an excuse for a night without getting on it.

“When I got this job, I thought it was going to be all about tour schedules, fancy hotels and overnight flights,” Barry told Wunderground. “Is it fuck, most of the time, the promoters will book all of the hotels and the flights, I’ll have to arrange the odd stopover and take care of some logistics but the majority of my time is spent sourcing drugs.”

“On the odd occasion, I’ll have to stuff a bag of something or other up my arse to get it onto a flight or past club security too,” continued the tour manager. “Nobody tells you these things when you sign up. I mean, it was suggested that at some point something might be put in my arse but it was never specified that it would be drugs, I just expected it to be something normal, like a finger. It’s a good job the money’s good or I would have quit ages ago.”

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According to veteran tour manager Mike Beardsley, best known for sourcing seven different types of drugs in seven different countries in seven days back in 1997, Holland should have known what to expect when he took the job.

“Honestly, what was he expecting?” Beardsley questioned. “I mean, come on, did he really think that tour managing was an actual thing? It’s obviously just a nice way of saying drug mule. It’s a great job, you get to meet loads of really cool people, take all sorts of drugs and have a variety of things put in your bum. I don’t know what he’s complaining about.”

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