Music giants Universal Music have today announced a team up with online streaming service SoundCloud to make the stunning purchase of the entire spectrum of sound by copyrighting everything that the human ear can detect.
The move comes after recent criticism of the companies for their stance on DJs using licensed music in their sets without permission and is viewed by those within each company as a way to quell any criticism that might be voiced against them.
Some of the things that now fall under the copyright include human speech patterns like a man gently weeping or fat cat music executives laughing, any music ever made including even things that barely qualify as music like noise core or David Guetta.
“Under the new copyright anything the human ear can sense will be owned by Universal-SoundCloud and people will need to subscribe annually to be able to hear anything at all,” explained a statement released by the companies which was forbidden to be read aloud else the person reading it had to pay a small fine. “All everyone alive who wants to make music, speak or hear anything at all like their name being called or the sound of oncoming traffic has to do is pay the yearly subscription charge of $500 and they can listen to anything to their ears’ content.”
Musicians and celebrities have been quick to lash out at the new rules set out by Universal-SoundCloud insisting that it’s not ethically or morally appropriate for a company to actually own sound.
Some of the prominent voices of opposition belong to techno musicians like Apparat and Steffi, or famous people who like the sound of their own voice like Kanye West – who maintains that he actually already owned the entire spectrum of sound having won it in a game of checkers with Michael Jackson that they played on one of the black and red squared boards rather than the traditional black and white board which, claims Kanye, would have offended Michael and also given him a competitive edge.
Other non-musical noise makers who hissed their disapproval include constantly talking racist taxi drivers who’ve had to resort to ever more creative finger gestures to express their distaste for other races while tennis player and grunting enthusiast Serena Williams is said to be devastated having groaned her disapproval in a series of husky bellows that her sister Venus translated as meaning “motherfucker”, “bullshit” and “ooommmppph that swing took a lot of my arm strength”.
Even ordinary folk were outraged, claiming that they won’t be able to hear everyday sounds like the plop of their own dumps splashing satisfyingly into the toilet or be able to have a wank in peace lest they miss the sound of the door being opened by a family member meaning that they will now have no choice but “to stand directly in the corner and wank facing out like a monkey or Michael Hutchence”.
“I wanted to hear the sounds of my baby’s first cries when he came gushing out of me but I missed it because I’d forgotten to pay Soundcloud,” explained new mother Karen Drew. “And then of course I had to pay to hear the baby’s first words too. I paid the subscription to hear what he said and it was just something nonsensical like ‘goo goo gaa gaa’, which aren’t even words….fucking waste of money if you ask me.”