Doctors have today claimed that the cause of the worldwide epidemic of itchy assholes is a result of people playing on their smartphones while using the toilet.
“This is the highest outbreak of itchy assholes we’ve seen since the printed book was first popularised as the on-toilet activity of the masses,” explained Dr. Barry White of Birmingham Urea Medical. “Before that people just hummed and looked at their hands. Even with books people normally would get bored after a page or two and leave.”
“What we’re seeing with smartphones is that people are responding to emails, playing Flappy Birds, reading articles and sometimes watching entire episodes of their favourite shows,” explained Dr. White “They’re so engrossed in their phones that they’re not following correct washroom procedure and wiping correctly. The result is a slight inflammation on the asshole which gets itchy.”
Symptoms that some of your work colleagues may be suffering from an itchy asshole include – squirming in their chairs frequently while grimacing, furtively scratching the outside of their trousers like they’re readjusting their pants and openingly putting their hand down their pants to scratch for several seconds at a time while looking increasingly relieved.
“If the person then sniffs their finger afterwards you can be sure they’re scratching their anus,” added Dr. White.
“I never suffered from an itchy asshole before but since I bought my smartphone I’ve got one pretty much every day,” explained 22 year old office worker Lisa who said that she’s suffered from an itchy asshole ever since she traded in her Nokia 3210 for a Samsung Galaxy last year.
“It’s just so hard to break yourself away from the internet of things while you’re shitting,” continued Lisa, who says she doesn’t want to miss out on the latest Groupon deal while being on the toilet. “Before you know it, the poo’s crusted onto your ring and you know you’re going to be spending the day in a cycle of scratching your, washing your hands, then scratching your ass again.”
Dr. White advised people that the best way to combat the spread of an itchy asshole is to prevent it ever happening by “limiting your on-toilet smartphone usage to a funny Vine or two and remembering to wipe between emails” or to cut out the risk altogether by “spending two minutes away from your phone and using the toilet like a clean, responsible adult”.
Totally reading this on the shitter. My cue to leave!