Breaking news from Ibiza this morning suggests that a vegan has refused to take a pill that was emblazoned with a dove logo.
The vegan, who has been described as “preachy and annoying”, is believed to have turned down the offer of three doves for twenty euro in Playa d’en Bossa at eleven o’clock last night.
Dealer Ian Jenkins spoke to Wunderground, “See these doves yeah? They’re the best pills to hit this island since the 90’s, these are what inspired Carl Cox to be a DJ yeah. And that stuck up little bitch turned them down because she’s a vege-fucking-tarian. The daft twat.”
“I was being dead sound to her and all,” continued Jenkins, a full time “party rep”. “I only offered her three for twenty because I thought she was kind of fit but as soon as she seen the dove she went mad, she started screaming and telling me I should be ashamed of myself and then she stormed off mumbling something about a quinoa salad with tofu and chickpeas. She’s fucking crazy.”
According to witnesses, the vegan was later seen making a transaction with a “dodgy looking Spaniard” outside Space nightclub.
“I don’t know what that Spanish fella sold her but I seen her on the sunset terrace a couple of hours later and she was waffling the ears off anyone who would listen to her so I guess it must have been some sort of pill,” explained tourist Jenny Simmons. “I’d say it was a strong one too because I overheard her telling someone that she sometimes eats burgers when she’s drunk, only a really drugged up vegan would admit to something like that, although I’m sure they all do it.”
Unconfirmed rumours suggest that the vegan is planning to stage a demonstration at this Saturday’s Zoo Project, where she will highlight animal captivity by taking ketamine until she thinks she’s a horse and lock herself in a cardboard box.
