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“Vinyl DJs Better At Stimulating The Clitoris” Claims Woman

“Vinyl DJs Better At Stimulating The Clitoris” Claims Woman

“I Used To Have That On Vinyl” Boasts Young DJ Who Definitely Didn't Have It On Vinyl

A young woman, who has had an opportunity to directly compare the sexual performances of both digital and vinyl DJs, has claimed that vinyl only DJs are vastly superior in their ability to stimulate the clitoris.

The woman, 27 year old Samantha Chambers from Manchester, has claimed that vinyl-only DJ’s, having spent years honing their beatmatching abilities by employing a variety of gentle touchs to manipulate the speed of the record, are able to make her achieve orgasm “within the amount of time it takes for them to play an average length track”, or roughly five minutes.

“They’ve developed a near perfect touch through years of gently queuing records in with a variety of tiny pinches and almost affectionate clasps to the spindle to slow down or increase the speed of a track,” gushed Samantha. “All that skill pays off behind the decks, and in the bedroom. And probably when using chopsticks or trying to catch flies in mid air. With chop sticks.”

Samantha claims that this skill in the bedroom appears to be the sole reserve of vinyl only DJs claiming that their digital counterparts “just elaborately tap around my fanny without ever touching the clitoris” and that when they actually do find it “they usually just press it once every few minutes”.

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“The sex with digital DJs is usually less honed than with vinyl DJs,” continued Samantha, “they just want to get one sex act over and move onto the next one without spending any time doing each thing – although they do spend an inordinate amount of time twiddling my nipples, even though it does absolutely nothing for me.”

“If I had to have sex with a vinyl-only DJ or a digital then it’s no contest, I’ll pick the vinyl DJ every time,” she concluded. “Of course vinyl only DJs aren’t the best DJs to have sex with. That honour goes to a scratch DJ I met in Birmingham one night whose hands were so dexterous and fast that it was like I was being fingered by three, sometimes four, nimble little flesh dildos at once.”

View Comments (13)
  • Funny but obviously not written by a DJ because digital deejaying (so long as you are actually deejaying) isn’t about tapping and pushing play every few minutes. It is essentially the same exact thing as deejaying with vinyl.

      • Actually it is. I’ve probably been deejaying as long as you have been alive, the vast majority of that time with just vinyl (I own thousands and thousands of records till this day, even though I’ve sold over 1,000 of them), and digital deejaying is the same thing except the music is held in a different container. Cuing is the same, cutting is the same, matching beats is the same, etc. But keep trying.

        • uh, how long have you been scratching? try telling that to cats that have been cutting for years (shouts to the scratchcon forums). you simply cannot cut the same on digital decks at more advanced levels–the mechanics simply aren’t there.

          also the physical act of manipulating the decks to nudge times in sync is simply not the same; don’t try to fool anyone with that.

          • Gavin has 26 likes on FB mate. You don’t wanna mess with somebody with such a large fan base. He must be one of the most knowledgeable DJs out there.

            Maybe you think Mmmike is only a few weeks old if you’ve been DJing longer than he’s been alive.

          • Ad hominem argument = invalid

            Though, it is similar: Cueing, is the same; Cutting, is close enough that you can’t tell the difference (is the same); Matching beats, is easier because we have visual representations of the track (transients, full song waveform and tempo), also because some use sync either full-time or occasionally.

    • I’ve been djing for approx a decade. In no way is vinyl and digital djing the same. Get a digital dj to spin on some techs with a rane. Most wouldn’t even be able to beat match

      • “Get a digital dj to spin on some techs with a rane.”

        I’ll take you one further: I know DJs that cannot beatmatch from another DJ’s mix running on a different rig (even if they can read the BPMs!). It’s like they can’t listen to both ears or can’t tell the difference between their track and the previous jock’s currently playing tune.

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