New Species Of Insect Discovered In Steve Aoki’s Beard
In exciting new for the world of entomology, scientists at Miami’s American Beard Research Association or ABRA have announced that they have discovered a brand new species of insect living in Steve Aoki’s beard.
The discovery was made after Aoki turned to ABRA in an attempt to thicken his beard and give him a much fuller and more manly facial growth. The insect, which is native only to the EDM superstar’s beard, is the first ever recorded finding of an insect living exclusively on a human.
Randy Grabber, head of growth at ABRA, spoke about the unlikely discovery, “Steve has been having some serious beard issues lately and I think it’s really been effecting his masculinity. That’s why he came to us, it seems that ABRA was the only way to help him feel like more of a man.”
“Steve’s got a typical Asian beard, it’s quite wispy and child like,” revealed Mr. Grabber, “and now that thick full bodied beards are in fashion Steve is desperate to increase his growth and stay one step ahead of the trend, by copying exactly what everyone else is doing. He’s based whole his career around this ethos.”
“It was during his very first session in ABRA that we made the discovery,” revealed the beard expert. “His beard was so full of shit, presumably which had fallen from his mouth, that we had to use a really fine comb on it,” continued Grabber. “It was only after we’d removed all the cake, semen and human faeces that we found the colony of insects.”
“None of us are insect experts but we knew straight away that this was something special and we called in a leading entomologist to have a look at it for us,” commented Mr. Grabber. “He told us straight away that it was a brand new species, probably created from the years worth of filth layered in Mr. Aoki’s beard.”
Entomologists have confirmed that the insect looks like a mixture between a “Piss Ant and a Shit Weevil” and although no name has been officially assigned to it yet, it will most likely be called an “Aoki’s Piss Shit”.